Tough Love (Dealing With Difficult People)

Consequences. We all know what it’s like to have to face the consequences of our poor choices. It’s the sowing and reaping principle explained in Galatians 6:7-8, “For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” It’s how God has made the universe to operate: every action comes with ramification.
          Although the consequences we experience aren’t always pleasant, they are a result of God’s mercy nevertheless. Often, this is how God gets our attention, directing us away from sin and toward righteousness, and teaching us important lessons we simply wouldn’t learn any other way.
          Can you just imagine a world where actions didn’t have consequences? Where we didn’t experience regret as a result of hurting someone, fear of missing out because we refused to step outside our comfort zone, or a lack of peace as a result of giving into temptation? If we didn’t have to deal with these negative consequences, how would we ever have an incentive to change? Why would we ever make an effort to set things right in our relationships, or take risks, or seek to grow in holiness and purity?
          We should be thankful for the painful effects that naturally result from our poor decision making! If they didn’t exist, we would be in big trouble. They are designed by our loving Father who is committed to teaching us a better way.
          “The Bible reveals this consistent pattern,” write doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book How People Grow. “God would try to help the Israelites, talk to them, and give them resources and promises in the hope that they would turn to him. When they did not, he would send prophets with severe warnings. If this confrontation did the trick, things would be better. But sometimes the Israelites would not listen to the prophets, and then it was time for consequences. To discipline Israel, God would send a flood or a plague or, often, an army from a neighboring country. He used many methods to persuade them to see the reality of their ways and its consequences.”
          Having to deal with the consequences of our own actions is one thing. Allowing others to experience the ramifications of their actions, that’s a different story. This is where we as Christians – because we so desperately want to be “nice” to people – often mess up.
          In our efforts to be “helpful”, we rescue others from problematic situations when the person should be learning how to help themselves. Feeling sorry for a fellow brother or sister and thinking it’s “unchristian” not to step in, we unwittingly set others up for failure. We don’t give them a chance to face their fears and insecurities or to grow in dependence on God. And as the individual is kept from facing the logical consequences of their actions, they are allowed to continue along a debilitating path. In psychology, this is called enabling.
          At the outset, helping people is a good thing. There are, however, times when what we think is helpful to someone is not helpful at all – not in the long term. Thinking we are doing a good thing, we are actually robbing a fellow Christian of the opportunity to learn valuable lessons – lessons that could, in fact, help eliminate their issues altogether.
          This is where we need to be careful. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is to allow them to learn from their mistakes as they are forced to face the harsh realities that they have brought upon themselves. Yes, even if it hurts them. Even if it ends up causing them frustration, setbacks, and additional challenges. Even if they end up suffering losses as a result, be it financial or otherwise.
          Again, this is how God deals with us. He purposely places us in situations where we are forced to come face-to-face with our flaws and our fears. He doesn’t bail us out. He exercises tough love. And He does it because He cares about our future, not merely our present circumstances.
          Because God wants to mold us into men and women of great character, He gives us opportunities to learn the difficult, sometimes painful, lessons He knows we desperately need in order to mature. It is always done in love and for the purpose of making us more like Jesus.
          So, then, rather than shielding people from the consequences of their sin, let’s seek to love them with the kind of “big picture”, forward-looking love with which God loves us. No, it’s not always going to be easy. It’s going to take wisdom and courage on our part, as well as trust: trust that when we step back, stop interfering, and leave the difficult person to themselves, God will still be there for them to teach them His ways. By the way, God knows exactly how to deal with the individual and He will do a much better job at it than you or I ever could. He does not need our help!

 

When Pride Comes Disguised As Humility

“Humility comes easy to me,” she said. “In fact, sometimes I think I’m too humble.” It was our weekly women’s Bible study, and the topic for discussion was unity. We were looking at Philippians 2:3, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” Our group leader had posed the question of whether any of us struggled with humility, and she was going around the table, letting each woman share her experience. Yes, humility is extremely hard, one lady said. I have a difficult time being humble in my relationship with my husband, confessed another. I find it hard to admit to my children that I was wrong, said a third.
          Each lady’s situation was different, but we all had this in common: When in an argument with someone, or when confronted with personal sin, our natural response wasn’t to zip the lip, allow the other person to give us a piece of their mind, and happily acquiesce. We were a lot more likely to defend ourselves, talk back, and feel offended at the criticism – even if well-deserved. We agreed that trying to emulate Jesus, who was silent before His accusers, was very much a challenge.
          Then the turn came to the woman seated directly across from me. Unlike the rest of us, she said humility wasn’t hard for her at all, and she went on to give some examples from her daily life of how she often found herself being “too humble”.
          The room had gotten so quiet you could hear the proverbial pin drop. I don’t know what the other ladies were thinking, but our group leader seemed impressed. She excitedly thanked the young woman for sharing about her victory over pride, giving the rest of us hope that we, too, could win the struggle.
          I felt a bit uneasy. Was it really that simple? If you make the statement that you are humble, does that not nullify your claim to humility? Is it not, in fact, proud to declare that you are humble?
          Another thing: Whenever we feel that we have arrived in our Christian walk, isn’t this in reality because we fail to see ourselves the way God sees us? Isn’t it an indication that we need to venture much farther into the Holy of Holiest to get a better perception of God’s glory? The closer we draw to God, letting the brilliant light of His holiness shine upon us, the more clearly we are going to see our own sins for what they are. In the light of His splendor, all our good works – including our perceived humility – look like filthy rags. The more we focus on His fullness, the more we are going to recognize how much we are truly lacking.  
          As I listened to my sister talk, I felt a sudden urge to point out to her the fallacy of her statement (could it have been my pride?;-) but that would have meant embarrassing her in front of the the group. So I said nothing. Later, however, I thought about how pride often disguises itself as humility, and how, at those times when we feel resourceful and self-sufficient, we do well to heed the warning of 1 Corinthians 10:12, “If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!”
          Satan loves to attack the unsuspecting Christian, the person who isn’t trusting fully in God and has failed to put on his spiritual armor. It’s when we think we’re being a “victorious Christian” that we’re the most prone to stumble. Those are also the times when God, in His loving discipline, often sees it fit to bring a test into our lives to show us what we’re really made of; that perhaps we aren’t quite as kind, patient, forgiving – or, yes, humble – as we would like to believe.
          I don’t know this sister’s heart. I don’t know how long she’s been a believer or how mature she is in her faith. I do think, however, that when a professing Christian claims to have won the battle with pride, it is cause for some concern. Because isn’t it true that if you truly belong to Christ, and you’re growing in your relationship with Him, you’re only going to become increasingly aware of your own sin? 
          Humility, the way I see it, is a little different than the other virtues and disciplines we pursue. You may say that by the grace of God you’ve conquered your fears or your lust issues, learned to forgive, or made radical improvement in the area of self-discipline. That’s fine. I take no issue with that. When it comes to humility, on the other hand, it seems to me that the moment you think you’ve got it, you’ve actually lost it…

The Healing Power of Relationships

Isn’t it funny how, if we’ve injured an arm or a leg, we understand and accept the fact that the limb isn’t going be restored back to health overnight, but when it comes to emotional injuries, we so often try to rush the process of healing? The one thing we don’t want to hear is that it’s going to take time!

But the reality is that just as we need to submit to the doctor’s prescription and give ourselves time to heal from bodily injuries, we need to let God – the Great Physician – use the Truth of Scripture, the power of prayer, and grace administered through the body of believers over an extended period of time if we are to heal from emotional wounds.

People do heal. People can change. But whether or not we stay stuck or move into a better future is a choice that lies with each individual. More than anything, it takes humility because the only way to do it is to admit we are helpless, surrender it all to God, and allow Him to show us how to go about the process of changing. An important part of this process is to properly plug in to the healing power of the body of believers.

Did you know it has been scientifically proven that when you lovingly hold the hand of someone who’s hurting physically, or you hug them, their pain level goes down? I find that so fascinating:) But it makes a lot of sense since God created us for relationships!

And relationships are to be more than just a context for ministry or activities. God’s people are channels of His grace. He administers grace to His children through the members of the body, and if we aren’t making use of this, we can’t grow properly. This is something I missed most of my Christian life: I tried to do Christianity all on my own, and the few friendships I enjoyed with other believers were very superficial.

Sadly, I think this is the way it is with a lot of people. We are too afraid to open up and too proud to admit we have problems. At church on the Lord’s Day, when someone asks us how we’re doing, we respond with our pre-programmed “I’m fine. How are you?”

We don’t talk about the fact that there are areas in which we struggle because we believe we’re “supposed” to have it all together. Christians aren’t “supposed” to be depressed or anxious or fearful…are they? So instead of talking about what’s really going on in our lives, we continue to suffer in secret. We act as if by pretending the wound isn’t there or that it isn’t such a big deal, it will go away.

It’s a lot easier to cover up, minimize, or deny our shame and guilt than it is to take a long, hard look at our lives and deal with the things that lie beneath the surface. The latter can be very painful, and by not admitting that something is wrong, we give ourselves permission to stay the way we are and we don’t have to embark on the difficult process of changing. But by not striving to make improvements in our lives, we miss out on God’s best. We miss out on the joyful, purpose-filled, abundant life He intended for us.

It’s only when pain is acknowledged and brought into the open that it can be healed through grace and truth. Because by bringing transparency back into our relationships this way, we’re returning to God’s original model for human relations. When we stop stuffing our feelings and instead bring them out and into the light, we’re doing relationships God’s way, the way He intended them to be.

God always meant for human relationships to be transparent and vulnerable. This is how Adam and Eve related to one another before the Fall. They lived in harmony and honesty. It was only after sin entered the world through their disobedience that they lost the ability to communicate openly and started hiding, blaming, pretending, and covering up.

God’s work in us is a life-long process, and it involves us learning, growing, changing, falling, confessing, repeatedly turning from our sin, and developing more and more holiness and wholeness over time. This is something we need to remember whenever we feel defeated in our struggle against sin or when painful memories come knocking: We’re a work in progress and none of us can expect to change overnight.

At the same time we can take great comfort in the fact that God has given us all the resources we need both to recover from past hurts and to grow in godliness. He has given us Jesus as our Advocate, the Holy Spirit to guide us, the truth of Scripture, and the body of believers.

God is actively involved in our lives and has committed Himself to our spiritual growth. In fact, He has promised that the good work He started in us He is going to complete (Philippians 1:6). Therefore, we can have full confidence that with each passing week, month and year, we’re going to be transformed more and more into His image, until the day comes that we stand before Him in glory. This, my friend, is our hope, our strength, and our victory!

Do Unto Others…

These last few days my friend and I have been talking a lot about decision making, specifically decision making that involves the feelings or well being of other people.

When it all comes down to it, it really isn’t all that complicated: The Bible tells us to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Luke 6:31), also called “The Golden Rule”.

If you switched the roles around, what would you like to see the other person do? How would you like them to treat you? Well, that‘s the right thing to do!

Whenever I’m able to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and obey this rule, I see God come through in amazing ways for me and BLESS my decision and the dilemma I’m facing. He has never failed me in this yet!

Let’s try to take ourselves out of the equation and make our decisions a bit simpler, eh?

Honoring God In Your Relationships

So often we try to find our fulfillment in human relationships – romantic relationships, friendships, and family relationships. But the truth is that only GOD can make us whole, and to try to enter into a human relationship looking for what only God can give us, does not work.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,” says James 1:17. Our relationships are merely GIFTS from God. God is the GIVER. So let’s make sure we keep things in perspective and seek the GIVER of the gifts, rather than the gifts…

Let’s always seek God first – passionately and deeply – and ask Him to mold us into the men and women He created us to be. Then we will have our priorities straight, and we will be able to attract the RIGHT people into our lives so that we can have healthy, God honoring relationships!

Being A Blessing To Others

As Christians we do not own anything. We are merely stewards of the things in our possession. Everything we have belongs to God.

When we give to God’s work, we are only giving back to Him what was already His. When we give to others, we are only passing on what was lovingly provided for us by our Father.

As David said, “Everything comes from You, and we have given You only what comes from Your hand.” (1 Chronicles 29:14)

It’s important that we learn to have this view of our money and all our “stuff”, so as to avoid being possessed by our possessions.

Besides, when we give to others as God leads, we experience a double blessings: Not only do we help someone in need, but we experience the joy that comes from our obedience to the Lord.

On the flip side, when we see a need and ignore it, we not only rob the person of receiving the blessing; we rob ourselves of the blessing of giving!

Why would we want to do that…? :))

“Forgive One Another”

The life of a Christian needs to be characterized by forgiveness. The Bible tells us repeatedly to forgive one another. We are not to hold grudges, have a vindictive spirit, or carry anger or bitterness toward anyone.

And yet, I am convinced, that many Christians miss out on God’s blessings, are robbed of joy, and aren’t near as useful to the Lord as they could be exactly because they carry unforgiveness in their hearts.

But who are we to hold back forgiveness from others when we ourselves have been forgiven so much by God? Are we – who are sinners – to hold people to a higher standard than our Heavenly Father – who is holy – holds us to? No person could possibly ever offend us the way we have offended God…

I’m not saying it’s easy…I know this first hand. But if God has forgiven us, and continues to do so every single time that we sin against Him, then we, too, must learn to forgive any and every sin committed against us.

If you are struggling to forgive someone, try to think of them as an image bearer of God. Remember, even ubelievers bear the natural image of God.

Realize also that every offense against you is either a test or a temptation. If you forgive, it’s a test that produces holiness in you; if you don’t, it’s a temptation producing sin.

Is there someone you need to forgive today? Ask God to help you love them… He will bless you for your obedience and fill you with His peace as you let go of the burden of unforgiveness.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

How God Uses Our Trials To Help Others

The other day I was talking with someone who is going through some serious trials in her life – trials very similar to some that I myself went through not long ago.

As I counseled this sister in Christ, I felt such deep compassion for her because I knew, I knew firsthand what that kind of pain felt like.

I was suddenly struck by the reality that if I had NOT gone through those same things myself, I would never truly have understood her hurt or been able to offer her personal advice.

At that moment 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 became so real to me: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ”

Friends, this is one of the ways God wants to use our trials: He wants to make us COMPASSIONATE toward others so that we can truly HELP them, especially our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Our struggles are NEVER wasted. God is in control of EVERY little event in our lives. Let’s remember that..!

Loving Others Like Jesus Did

I don’t know about you, but I don’t believe you can ever be too kind. Think about Jesus…He was always loving, gracious, and humble…never unkind.

He even prayed for His enemies. And He told us to do the same: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

When someone hurts you, it’s more often than not because they themselves have been hurt, and they don’t know what else to do but to pass the pain on. This was the case in my life with a close family member who caused me a tremendous amount of pain as I was growing up.

As an adult, I was reconciled with this person, and I learned that, as a child, they themselves had suffered greatly at the hands of others. Indeed, “hurt people hurt people.”

But you and I, by the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in us, need to try to break that cycle. As one of my favorite Bible verses, Romans 12:21 puts it, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

You just never know what someone is going through. If someone lashes out at you, the truth is that it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with another person or another circumstance. You just happen to be the one it’s taken out on. 

Let’s practice being kind to unkind people – they need it the most. Let’s not be their reflection…

Rather, let us be the reflection of Jesus…let us seek to love others the way He did, humbly and sacrificially. And let us pray that through our selfless demonstration of love many will come to know the Savior Himself…

What Is Love?

There’s a lot of talk about “love” around Valentines Day… But for us, as Christians, what does it truly mean to love someone?

Well, first of all it’s important to recognize that love is not something that we ourselves manufacture, but rather a fruit produced in us by the Holy Spirit. (See Galatians 5:22)

The closer we walk with God, the more love we will have for people. We need to let God’s love so fill us that it spills over on the people we are in contact with each and every day.

Second, we need to remember that love is not primarily a feeling – rather, it shows itself through our actions. We see this clearly in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, where the emphasis is on the things that love does and does not DO:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

So, the bottom line is this: Our first responsibility is to love the Lord… And, by the way, if we love Him like we say we do, then we’ll love the things He loves and hate the things He hates…in other words, we’ll love righteousness and hate sin.

And then – having the love of God shed abroad in our hearts through ongoing, intimate communion with Him – we need to demonstrate the reality of this love by way of our ACTIONS toward others. (1 John 3:18)

This, I believe, is what love is all about for the Christian…